After I miscarried, I went through numerous stages of emotions very quickly. I was on vacation, I was still trying to make an effort to be present on that vacation and have a good time with my family; I was truly in the first stage of grief: denial. We would go to the beach and I would put a smile on my face for pictures, but in the real light of day, I was grieving on the inside. To those who saw the happy pictures and thought she must be doing okay, you did not see that after those pictures I would sit in my lounge chair staring into nothingness while Pate took care of our precious son. I would sit reading my kindle, trying to insert my life into a fictional story and escape everything I was feeling.
After this stage of feeling numb, I quickly went into a stage of searching for answers. I was so thankful that the Lord pulled me closer to him at this time. I would get lost in my bible for hours, just trying to find something that would speak to me about why God would let this happen to us. I was still very wound up in my grief, but I was finding solace in Jesus. The verse that spoke to me most during this time was 2 Corinthians 4:17 which states, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” I felt like this was the Lord telling me that even though I was hurting beyond my understanding, that what He has for me in eternity will completely cover that hurt. That the little baby I lost is not gone forever, but that I will meet him or her in Heaven. This was extremely comforting at the time, but I must say that I did not always continue to go to Jesus for comfort in the weeks to come.
When we returned home Saturday night, we decided that we would try to go to church the next morning. At that time I felt like I needed more than anything to be in the Lord’s presence and what better place to do that than in my church home. Pate and I usually lead worship at our church, but I was so thankful that we would not be expected to lead this Sunday. I know that I could not have done it without breaking down in front of everyone. We had an unusual service. Our church supports KAA ministries and once a summer we host all the counselors at our church. This Sunday was the day that we were hosting them. It was nice in a way because there were way more people at our church than there normally are; it took more attention away from us. We sat in the back, and as I listened to the KAA ministry lead worship, I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face. Pate held me in his arms, and I knew that God was comforting me in this time; that he was speaking to me through these songs, but I really think that was the start of my stage of anger and bitterness.
As I wept, I became angry that God would allow this to happen to us; that he would allow this tragedy to happen to anyone. I couldn’t understand how this could be a part of His plan for my life, for our lives. Something that was so completely different than what I thought would happen; so completely different than what I had hoped and prayed for. I didn’t see how anything good could come out of losing our baby. I couldn’t see joy in it then, and honestly it is still hard to see joy in it now sometimes. I pushed God away for a few weeks at this time. I stayed away from my bible, and when I tried to pray no words came to me, so I gave up on that too for the most part. My natural instinct is to pray before I go to sleep, but I know I wasn’t putting much effort into it at this point. I was mad, and stupidly I thought, “I don’t want God to know my true feelings, and I definitely don’t want to talk to Him about them.”
I really struggled with leading music at church. I felt like I was undeserving of leading others in worship and then felt guilty for this. There was no way I could let others know my true feelings and that I was still deeply hurting. I tried my best to really worship while I was on stage, but I know there were times when it was all I could do just to get through it. I remember more than once I had to argue with myself before we started worship. I so badly just wanted to put my microphone down and go home, but I knew my husband was counting on me and that if I could just make it through the first song I would be all right. I always did make it through that first song, and the rest that followed. I know now that it was always God giving me the strength to get past my hurt. I love leading worship, and I hate that the devil was trying to take that away from me, but I know that God is bigger than anything in my life and that He has helped me to overcome this struggle.
I was also very sensitive at this time around other women that were pregnant. Every time I would see a new announcement on social media I would cringe on the inside. I hated that I had this reaction. I so badly wanted to be happy for all of my friends that were getting pregnant. Why should I feel jealous? Maybe they also had struggles that they did not share with others and are finally being blessed. We never know what others are going through or what they have endured in the past, but at the time my heart was hurting and my thoughts were selfish. Every time I got a bill in the mail for something I never got to have come full circle I would be so angry. Why should I have to pay so much, and reap no benefit? It was always just another reminder of what was taken away from us so suddenly.
I was hurt and I was angry at the world, but eventually Jesus started hammering away at the wall I had put up around my heart. He began to help me see that no matter how much I try to hide things from Him, I can’t! I might’ve been good at hiding my feelings from others, but not from Him. He knows my every thought. He knew that I was mad at Him and that I was blaming Him, but yet He loves me. He knew that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself at times, and yet he loves me. No matter how far I tried to push Him away, He was always right there trying to pull me back to Him. Once this started to sink in, I knew I needed to be honest with Christ and with myself. I started praying again, but these prayers were brutally honest. I decided then and there that if God knew every thought I had, then why should I try to hide my true feelings from Him. I needed to get it all out in order for Him to heal my heart.
This has been a very slow and sometimes grueling process. I think this is the stage I’m still in honestly. I know that I am still questioning things; I know I am learning to trust again, but I also know that He loves me unconditionally. He has shown me joy in this time of healing, and I can begin to see His purpose in areas of my life. I am thankful for the extra time I have to love on and play with my sweet little boy. I realize now that Silas still really needs that one on one time with me, and that he is still really dependent on momma. I know we would have struggled through that and gotten past it if I was still pregnant, but maybe he would resent me for that too.
I am also very thankful the Lord has allowed me to be very open about my experience in the past couple months. This is very surprising to me because I am not a person that openly grieves. No one saw me cry in the beginning except my husband and my son. As I cautiously began to share my story, I saw that it was something that wasn’t normally talked about in the open and that it seemed to make many people uncomfortable. I do not blame people at all for having this reaction because I honestly still have trouble sometimes in knowing what to say to other women that have miscarried. It’s a hard topic, but I’m so glad that the Lord pushed me to be open about it and to share my story with transparency.
Grief is a process and healing takes time; I am not done with it. This process has been tough on our marriage, but I know we have grown from it as well. I know Pate hurts from all of this along with me, but I’ve heard that one of the hardest parts of miscarriage for the husband is watching his wife hurt so much and feeling like he can’t do anything to help. Pate, please know that you have been there for me every step of the way and that I would not be where I am today without your support and strength through this time. Getting through this has helped me see that the Lord has equipped our marriage for any struggle that might come our way.
Part of me never wants to be completely done healing because I know that in my hurt and pain I am remembering my child; that there is beauty in the breakdown. It’s not easy being anxious every month and hoping that we are pregnant again. It’s definitely not easy finding out that I’m not pregnant and realizing that my plans are not His plans; He sees what I cannot. I told myself in the beginning that I didn’t think I’d be filled with joy when I got pregnant again, but I know now that I will be; that I won’t be able to help it. But unfortunately I also won’t be able to help the worry and fear that will creep in on us and try to steal our joy away.We must always trust and have faith to get past the worry and fear, but to be honest I’m still working on that one.
Note:This will be my last post encompassing the topic of our miscarriage. It has been healing and freeing to share my story with you all, but I am also excited to move on to other more positive topics. While I never want to fully move on from this experience, it is also not healthy to dwell on it. We must trust that God will bless us again in time, and always have faith in Him and His promises.
**For all the women out there still dealing with the pain and heartache of a miscarriage, please know I am here if you need someone to talk to. I know it is hard to talk about in the beginning, but when you are ready, I know it made me feel so much better to speak with someone that knew what I was going through and understood everything I was feeling. Please feel free to email me or leave a comment.